This holiday morning, are you worried about selecting the perfect present for that someone special? I always try, but wherever I look the suggestions flood in with unhelpful suggestions. No, I don’t want a scented wax with a poultry aroma, for the simple reason we're preparing the bird itself. Nor do I want a sunrise alarm clock, because opening the curtains open achieves the same thing. And I definitely don’t desire a salmon DNA pink collagen jelly mask, as that genetic material originates in fish semen. Were I seeking aquatic semen applied to my skin, I'd simply tickle some pollocks.
Finding Inspiration From the Natural World
So if you’re always looking for inspiration, my advice is: take a lesson from the animal kingdom. Our species did not create gifting. The practice has existed for over 100 million years, well before our species evolved. With a little help from natural selection, wild animals have had creatures ample time to master the art of giving. Indeed, certain arachnids go so far as to wrap their offerings!
Leaving out fitness gear and other things I dislike, we can identify five categories of Christmas gift: edibles, things for the home, jewelry, skincare and clothing. The animal kingdom has them all covered.
Food Gifts: From Protein Snacks to Artisan Kebabs
Brazilian cuckoos give their partners high-protein snacks such as insects, frogs and lizards. However, for those who like their meat skewered, then the great grey shrike, or the butcher bird. The males spear prey, like insects and mice, onto pointed thorns and branches to create impromptu kebabs.
Some insects present to their suitors salivary offerings, yet these are not just any spitballs. These are scorpionfly spitballs, crafted with the freshest saliva from the engorged salivary glands of the most genetically superior males. This offering is nutrient-dense, which is one reason females prefer males with larger gifts.
An additional factor is that the most genetically robust males produce the largest gifts. When I say “fit” I am not referring to physical appearance, though that may be true. I refer to “fit” in the genetic sense.
These presents are given as a prelude to sex, so by choosing the male with the biggest package, the female is selecting genetic quality. She then consumes the gift during sex but terminates intercourse as soon as it is finished. Larger gifts result in longer copulation times, where the male transfers additional sperm and the female can’t mate with other males. This explains the male's motivation for with such an elaborate offering.
Homeware and Bling
These Antarctic penguins do not offer food, but they do give nesting materials. In Antarctica, their home, there is no home improvement store, so the birds must gather their offerings from their surroundings. Every mating season, males collect small stones to begin constructing their nest. The vital building blocks are rare, prompting some chancers to steal pebbles from nearby nests. But when a male gives a pebble to a female, it signals he is ready to commit. Consider it the avian version of a diamond ring. The rock doesn’t go on her finger, however. If she also wants to get serious, she takes the gift and adds it to the nest. Subsequently, after a few finishing touches, they are ready to start their family.
Regarding shiny things, corvids are masters at this gift category. Numerous accounts exist of individuals who made friends with wild corvids and later received metal caps, fasteners, buttons and various glittering objects. For instance, two people in Florida even received a bracelet with a diamond from a crow they often fed. This is particularly endearing because while most animals give presents in the hope of scoring, crows apparently just enjoy giving.
The Ultimate Combination Gift: Sponges
Off the coast of Australia, researchers have observed dolphins plucking clumps of sea sponge from the seabed and utilizing them in interesting ways. On occasion, when they’re rummaging for fish, they wear the sponges over their rostrum to help protect their sensitive snouts. And sometimes, when males want to court females, they wear them as playful headwear before offering them as gifts.
In so doing, dolphins brilliantly combine the last two categories of Christmas gift. Sea sponges are clothing and skin protection. To make it even better, when males give their sponge gifts, they frequently adopt a curved posture and play a little tune through their blowhole.
This stands in contrast to the half-arsed giving from pets – such as a cat presenting a dead mouse in an obscure corner – or some people. Dolphin presents are thoughtful, serve multiple uses, ethically gathered and delivered with panache. There is a lesson for all of us. A famous singer claims that the only desire for Christmas “is you”, however, my one Christmas wish, is to be given a sponge-hat-skin-protector from a cetacean who serenades me in a stylish manner.
